If That Hadn’t Happened……


IF THAT HADN’T HAPPENED:

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling guilty because I was the last one to talk to you and I never had a clue.  I should have picked up something in the tone of your voice or in your  words that would have indicated what you were planning to do almost as soon as we got off the phone.

If that hadn’t happened, the rest of us wouldn’t be planning a trip to say goodbye.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be so pissed off at you for not talking to me and telling me what was going on and what you were planning, when that had to be the point of your call to me in the first place….why wouldn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you let me get you help, you knew I would know what to do and would have moved heaven and earth to help you.  Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be missing you so much.  I wouldn’t be dreading every breath I had to take and praying that every one would be my last.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be staying away from everyone because I can only hide what’s going on inside me for very short periods of time, and to those who know me really well, I can’t hide it at all.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t regret having made the promise that I made to the one person who has helped me most through all of this, the one person who has always had my back, the one person I believe truly cares about me.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be feeling like this……I would not be thinking about jumping into the abyss.

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4 thoughts on “If That Hadn’t Happened……

  1. I am literally hurting inside for everyone. So honest and so genuine…my heart is with you.

  2. Suzanne says:

    I’m reading this for the second time and it is no easier than the first. My heart hurts for you, my friend. I feel helpless to help, but hope the time we spend together eases the pain a little.

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