If That Hadn’t Happened……


If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling guilty because I was the last one to talk to you and I never had a clue.  I should have picked up something in the tone of your voice or in your  words that would have indicated what you were planning to do almost as soon as we got off the phone.

If that hadn’t happened, the rest of us wouldn’t be planning a trip to say goodbye.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be so pissed off at you for not talking to me and telling me what was going on and what you were planning, when that had to be the point of your call to me in the first place….why wouldn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you let me get you help, you knew I would know what to do and would have moved heaven and earth to help you.  Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be missing you so much.  I wouldn’t be dreading every breath I had to take and praying that every one would be my last.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be staying away from everyone because I can only hide what’s going on inside me for very short periods of time, and to those who know me really well, I can’t hide it at all.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t regret having made the promise that I made to the one person who has helped me most through all of this, the one person who has always had my back, the one person I believe truly cares about me.

If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be feeling like this……I would not be thinking about jumping into the abyss.


Journalism 110 – Mass Media Survey

So, I recently decided that I wanted to go back to school with the ultimate goal of finally working on my masters, in Business Administration.  The only problem was that I purposely avoided business and math classes like the plaque when working on my bachelor’s degree),  so in order to take class less expensively, I enrolled at Fullerton College….late, so classes were few and far between (registration started in June and I enrolled on August 5).  I took what I could get and wait listed a few.  I spoke with a counselor and we went over general ed requirements and after looking over the math and business classes involved, thought I would eventually head toward an MSW (Masters of Social Work) with the intention of somehow becoming involved with Survivors of Suicide (I hate that term, it makes it sound like a bunch of people who tried to kill themselves, when in fact it refers to family members who are dealing with the suicide of a loved one).  This “group of people” are very close to my heart having lost my brother to suicide in August 2012 (While on a Skype chat with him), then the attempted suicide of his youngest child (age 16), which thankfully failed and then six months after Pete’s death, his oldest daughter (just shy of her 25th birthday) had what we thought was a failed attempt, but four days later she had extensive organ failure and went into cardiac arrest.  Therapy has been fun, let me tell you.  

Which brings me back to school.  One of the classes that would meet one of my GE requirements was Journalism – Mass Media Survey…I thought “How hard can it be?”  I won’t think that again and I haven’t even to be class, I just read the syllabus….I avoid current events and news because it’s too depressing, especially in America.  I was born in Italy and spent half of my life there and they can at least put a positive spin on a negative situation.  Americans just don’t seem to be able to do it.  But I digress.  One of the requirements of the class is to have a blog and apparently the Professor is going to read it because we have to give him the URL.  My only reaction to this is UGH…what the heck am I supposed to write about?  Current Events…..like the “current” event involving the NSA after Snowden leaked his intel?  HELLO PEOPLE…the NSA goes back to at least 1995, when they actually were just gathering data on other countries and “foreigners” (They got nothing on me baby!!) and before it hit the news.  In America, if it wasn’t on TV, then it didn’t happen!  

So I figured I would come back here and try to remember my username and password and lo and behold, I was able to get in here finally.  I changed my email address to one that I actually can check from my iPhone….LOL

So once I figure out what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ll be back.

But since I originally started this as a type of fitness diary, allow me to report that I’m down 45 pounds in the last year (though I have a long way to go) and have lost a total of about 25 inches pretty much all over.  Not where I want to be but better than I was at the beginning of 2012.

Peace out!!